3 ways to invest your emotions when dealing with a break-up.

Dealing with a break-up is one of the challenging things a lot of people face at some point in their life. A few years ago I went through a relationship break-up myself, which I now can look back and see it was one of the best things that happened in my life. It was a gift in disguise of pain. But before my eyes were opened to the gift, I used to think that life just happens and I don’t have any influence over my life-direction and the outcomes I could experience.

It was when I was coming to terms with the break-up that I realised I needed to change my relationship perceptions if I was going to thrive in the game of love. I learnt that if I had to win in the game I had to be ready to lose sometimes too – and by ‘losing’ – I mean, be willing to burst my bubble and also the myths of concepts like ‘love at first sight’ and ‘happily ever after’. You see these notions create an enormous pressure of performance and perfection in our love lives these days, which stops us from being open to experience the complete spectrum of emotions, from the good to the bad and everything in between.

One of the perspectives that I had to adopt was learning to embrace both pain and pleasure. This meant that I could use pain as a vehicle for growth and see that it had some benefits in my life. We are not taught to see life this way; we tend to associate drawbacks to experiencing a loss or pain. In some exceptions, we can appreciate loss in hindsight when we can see that everything worked out for the better. We are only delaying our growth process and cause ourselves more struggle by denying the pain.
Some wise person said, “a setback is a setup for success”.
Being able to change your relationship perceptions requires you to be more realistic, take responsibility, and embrace a growth mindset. When you master this process, you get to celebrate your break-ups and stop repeating the old mistakes that caused you to be stuck in a rut.
With that in mind, I would like to share with you 3 perspectives that can assist you if are currently dealing with a break-up, so you’re able to move forward. Here they are:

You are on your way to a better outcome.

You are always given a chance to love again, but only if you’re willing to take it up with a mature mindset, not solely inspired by fantasy tales. Happiness and pleasure might be coming your way, but they can’t get closer if you’re not willing to embrace the pain of separation and get it over with. If you’re dwelling in the pain, then there’s no space for pleasure to come into your life. If you’re with me on this one, jot down some answers to these questions:

1. What are the reasons your ex-partner was not quite right for you? Write at least 10 responses, this will help you shift away from only dwelling on the positives and have a balanced perspective on the relationship.

2. Did you try to see only good in your partner and ignored what is also important?

3. Write a gratitude note to the universe for ending that relationship and bringing you the lessons. And also write down what are you willing to do differently with the new gifts that you have received?

Your answers will help you to refine your search image and in the process, you also get to change your relationship blueprint. You are allowed to choose. We often take time to define what we want when it comes to other life goals including career, the house or car we want to buy. Have you ever defined what you want in your partner? If you don’t ask for what you want, you won’t get it! Could this have been the case for you? No more!

It is time to take care of your blind spots.

The time following a break-up is a perfect opportunity to take a look at your relationship blind spots and you can be honest with yourself about what you can change in yourself. The pain you experience may be related to past wounds that you have not healed completely. If you don’t deal with those wounds they will keep interfering with your love life. Wounds create a sense of incompleteness causing you to rely on a partner as your crutch; the reason you’d find it difficult to move on when he or she is no longer there. And in fact, the fact that your unhealed past wounds keep showing up every now and again could be one of the main reasons why your partner is no longer around. Right at this time, it could be a perfect opportunity for self-growth and you can be better positioned to succeed in your future relationships.

Exercise: Complete a Johari Window (enquire using the website contact form) with the help of some of your trusted close friends. This might give you some great insights into your blind spots – both your strengths and stretches.

And though in the beginning, it might be hard to believe some of your blind spots, remember, that all growth happens outside the comfort zone. And this might just lay the foundations for your thriving relationship.

Use this downtime to empower other areas of your life.

Finding true love is important but it is not the only thing that defines you. I invite you to look at the big picture and empower other areas of your life. Empowerment increases emotional resilience.
If you are desperate for the next relationship, it could be a sign that you are unhappy with your own life and only trying to avoid the pain of the broken relationship from the past. It could be a sign that you have not learnt the lessons from your past pain and are about to repeat the same mistakes. And it also means that you’re not taking responsibility for your life situation and hoping for someone else to come and fix those for you. Having a partner complete you beautifully is one thing – but partnering with them in the hope that they will repair the broken side of you is completely another – and it’s setting both of you for more pain and challenges.
Instead, when you use the downtime just after a break-up to reflect and introspect, you are able to create growth opportunities for yourself. You could use the time in discovering your core values, or go out and catch up with old friends – the childhood kind of friends who never judge you for being you, you could learn a new skill – you could join an exercise group or a yoga class, etc. Basically, allow yourself to come back in total alignment with your soul. Get to understand who YOU truly are. What behaviours and values are non-negotiable in your life? This kind of an empowered downtime, where you invest in getting clear about yourself, only helps you find the right partner and you don’t have to settle for anyone else but your ‘perfect mate’!
In the meantime, remember that the universe does not have a shortage in the supply of love; love comes in different forms such as through a loving family, friends, and life itself. If you experience love in all forms then it never goes missing in your life, when a partner comes along he/she only adds to your bliss.

The Buddhists teach that ‘pain is inevitable but suffering is optional’. You don’t have to subscribe to avoiding relationship pain. You can become the master of your destiny and grow through self-leadership. Get the foundations of your relationships right. You owe it to yourself to do what is necessary to create a healthy and loving relationship.

To learn even more about yourself, you can complete a psychological questionnaire which will help you identify your relationship pitfalls and understand your inner world. You can allow relationships to become a vehicle for growth and evolution, and you will be on the way to re-align yourself to your authentic and conscious relationship goals.

If you’re ready to do things differently but don’t know where to begin, I invite you to a 50-minute ‘Ultimate Relationship Discovery Session’ where we will create your ultimate relationship blueprint to set you up for a loving and thriving relationship of your dreams.

If you’re ready to experience love on a whole new level, click this link below. I only have a few of these spots open up each month and they fill out fast. So book your session now: https://bookme.name/alicentobedzi

About the Author

Alice Ntobedzi is a clinical psychologist, a life coach and an international best-selling author. Her co-authored books are available on her website. Her honours thesis focused on the attachment theory, it was titled: Big 5 personality dimensions and emotional intelligence of mothers as predictors of the quality of their relationship with their adult children. She published an article based on her master’s thesis titled: Emotional intelligence, coping and psychological distress: a partial least squares approach to developing a predictive model. Her article has been downloaded over a 1000+ and cited in other research studies.